Wife - Friend - Roommate - Ex

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There are times in every man’s marriage (after the honeymoon phase) where his wife starts to feel simply like a friend. Friends, then, can easily and quickly become roommates. This vicious downward spiral can very easily result in becoming less than roommates; Exes! The chart below shows, in my view, what happens to a lot of marriages as husband and wife grow apart.

The Sexually Unavailable Wife

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Note: This is the first guest post I've published here on the Better Husbands and Fathers blog and its an important one, so pay attention!  It comes from Julie Sibert.  Julie is a writer and speaker on sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com (or @Intimacy4Life on Twitter).  She lives in Omaha, Neb., with her Beloved, their two sons and their rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer puppy. 

My husband and I have a saying we use with our children  –  “As long as you keep presenting teachable moments, we’re going to teach.”  Usually, the 12-year-old musters up an eye roll in response to this.  To which we exclaim, “See!  There’s a teachable moment.  No more eye rolls.  It’s disrespectful.  And annoying.”  (He offers another eye roll).

Be a Better Husband and Father by Respecting Women and Children

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This posts stems from experiences that I had recently when my wife and I went to the Mariner's game. Let me explain. Despite having pretty good seats (down with the season ticket holders) we ended up sitting behind a group of single people, who were mostly men in their mid to late 20's (my age). Throughout the game they were loud, obviously intoxicated, and using profane language.  My issue with that is that there were women, children, and elderly all around them trying to enjoy the game. There was a time when we, as a society cared if we offended others, especially women and children; we respected them and didn't want to subject them to public intoxication or offensive language. When did we stop respecting women and children? This is just one example, I'm sure you've had experiences as well.

A Better Husband and Father Case Study

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Recently there was a blog post on the Motherlode parenting blog from the New York Times.  This post shared a story of a reader, her troubled marriage, and it's effect on their child.  She explains her husband's problems and how its his fault (Keep in mind that this was written by a wife about her husband, so we only have one side of the story). Whether all the facts are there or not, I want to use this husband as a case study, because the problems he is allegedly causing and how he's causing them are not uncommon in marriage. 

Is Your Wife the Problem?

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Marriage is a partnership, if we really want to improve it, it must be joint effort.  Since I only write to half of the equation (husbands), there is another half to take into account as well. This can often complicate things... When a marriage is having problems who's fault is it?

Are you the problem?
This is the most important question you need to ask yourself when your marriage is struggling.  If the answer is "Yes," then, well, you probably already know what you need to do.  It gets a bit more tricky if you feel your wife may be the problem. 

What if your wife is the problem?
I have imagined a lot of men reading my blog and saying to themselves, "Self, it's not your fault, you're doing everything you can to be a Better Husband... if only my wife tried once in a while." While your wife probably does have things to work on, we can't let this thinking be an excuse for you to keep you from making needed improvements in your own life.  We can only change what we can control, we cannot control our wife!

We should do everything in our power to change ourselves first, then, if there are still issues, have the conversation with our wives about what we expect from her or things we would like her to change.  Yes, I can imagine a scenario when it might be beneficial to make these changes together.  You can support each other in making positive changes at the same time, but whatever you do, don't try to change your wife BEFORE you change yourself.

This is the reason why I started this blog.  While I do feel my wife and I have a good marriage, I recognize there are ways I can be better. I want to make sure I do everything I can to help ensure we have a successful marriage and a happy family.  I've got to do everything I can to change myself first, then... when I'm perfect, if we ever have problems...we know for sure who's fault it is :)

A Trend Towards More Women and Moms in the Workforce

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I came across an article recently that got my attention from The Atlantic titled "The End of Men." This title naturally got my attention, so I dove in to see what I could find.

The article is VERY long, and I didn't have 4 hours to read all of it so I only got about half-way through. But, unless there was a big "JK" at the end of the article, I don't think I missed anything.  I will say, however, that many interesting statistics were provided and the trend of more women in the workforce is impossible to refute, but I believe she takes it a bit too far. Here are a few of my reactions to it...

"With few exceptions, the greater the power of women, the greater the country’s economic success."

I don't care what numbers she's looking at, implying that women having more power in an economy causes success is a stretch.  Could it be that when an economy is more successful it provides more opportunities for woman to have power by shifting jobs from labor to intellectual industries without consideration of which gender has more power?

I believe Men and Woman are equal.  However, I believe God has given us different inherent qualities that provides balance in the family, which the article wrongly categorizes as "old stereotypes and habits."  For example, men were given competitiveness to be able to provide for their family, and women, patience to nurture and care for their children (not to mention a higher tolerance for pain for childbirth!).  I am not opposed to women in the workforce, but this article seemed to belittle men and lessen their importance in the economy and society!

Do Opposites Attract?

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After spending all week with my wife this past week in Florida and the Bahamas, I realized more than ever how different we are from each other.  You know, music preferences in the car, food tastes, interests, what do to with free time, etc.  and it has only brought us closer!

While this has been frustrating at times in the past, how great it is to have somebody by your side to "complete you" to be everything you're not and to motivate you to get out of your comfort zone. I am grateful for my wife for playing that role. For example, my idea of a perfect vacation is to travel to see places and do things, while she would be more than happy sitting on a beach for a week straight relaxing.  She probably wanted to relax more this past week than we did, but she did slow me down and helped me realize I don't always have to be going 100 mph.

I do believe the phrase "Opposites Attract" applies to marriage.  Husbands, when we are stressed out at work (or home) we may not be able to see how wonderful these differences are, and you may see them as a cause for contention (I have).  Just remember, God has established these differences in your marriage to make each of you better people; So, learn from each other, support each other, and make your differences productive!

What do you think...Do opposites attract? does it cause contention? or are you able to make your differences productive?

PS- Having no access to a computer was probably the best thing to happen to me during our vacation! you don't realize how much time you spend on a computer until you can't use one for a while, but I am looking forward to being more active on the blog again!

Wife or Children?

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If you've read much of my blog before, you might be are aware that I view the relationship men have with their wives above their relationship with their children.  I thought I would dedicate a post to share my thoughts on this topic.

Obviously both being a good father and husband is important, or I would not have dedicated a blog to both relationships.  However, your wife is more important than your children! I say this not to take away from the relationship between father and child, but only to stress the importance of the sacred relationship that is marriage.  Your children will grow, move out, create family of their own within the marriage relationship.  Marriage is the foundation of life.  Children are great, but they too turn to marriage.

Often in pop culture or entertainment we see people neglecting their spouse to be with their children, because their children are the most important people in their lives.  In reality your spouse is, or should be, the most important person in your life (on earth!).  So husbands, treat your wives like it!.  This is one reason I started this blog, to create dialogue and share ideas, because I want to nurture my wife and make her happier than she ever imagined she could be!

Mother's Day Help and Gift Ideas!

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While we should appreciate our wives everyday, we have one special day in May to recognize and pamper them.  So how do you do it? 

There are the staples of flowers and breakfast in bed or a day at the spa. but how do we make mother's day memorable for them and really show we care? this is a difficult question for me, so I would like to hear some of your ideas, but here are a few of my thoughts...

• Make Mother's Day Different - A gift and a card is not enough.  We need to make sure they are treated different, you and the kids will should do all chores, and your daily routine should be thrown out the window

•  Thoughtful Gifts - Flowers and candy are great and you probably should get these too, but I think there needs to be something else, something that says 'he really knows me and loves me.' 

• Express Your Appreciation - If your wife doesn't not know how much you appreciate her, you're doing something wrong.  Mother's day is a great opportunity to write a long love note, or sit her down and tell her how much she means to you and how much she does means to you.

So now that I've shared some ideas with you, I better go figure out what in the world I am going to do for my wife on Sunday!!