Monday, July 26, 2010

A Better Husband and Father Case Study

Recently there was a blog post on the Motherlode parenting blog from the New York Times.  This post shared a story of a reader, her troubled marriage, and it's effect on their child.  She explains her husband's problems and how its his fault (Keep in mind that this was written by a wife about her husband, so we only have one side of the story). Whether all the facts are there or not, I want to use this husband as a case study, because the problems he is allegedly causing and how he's causing them are not uncommon in marriage. 
Summary of the Issues
  1. Different parenting styles. She uses the following example: "Picture a split screen, in one half a toddler is being pushed in a baby swing by mom, who is making up song about swinging monkeys. In the other half, dad is pushing the same toddler while scrolling through e-mail messages on his BlackBerry"  (it's ironic that I read this story from my BlackBerry while I was giving my son a bath...ah well).  So, in her mind her husband just does not do enough, or try hard enough; even though it sounds like she really means he doesn't try as hard as she does (2 very different things).
  2. The kids prefer Mom. Due to the above, the kids seem to have taken a preference to mom. Despite efforts from Dad (buying presents, having Dad always put them to bed, etc.) the children still prefer Mom, and it seems like it bothers him.
  3. “C.E.O.” of the kids. This wife wants her husband to let her be the CEO of the kids and have him just support her in this role.  So is the issue what is not doing, or what he is doing???
How can he be a Better Husband/Better Father?
I do not think this guy is as bad as his wife makes him out to be, but lets put ourselves into his shoes, what would you do to be a better husband? or a better father? If he wanted to be better here's what I think he should do....

First and Foremost, repair his relationship with his wife.  Obviously they do not talk enough, they are not on the same page. What he should do next is set realistic expectations with his wife about his contributions with the kids.  As a father, he needs to have fun with the kids and do more. Doing more sounds like such an easy solution, but its the best way to be a better father.  When the kids see him consistently there interacting with them, they will have a better relationship with them.  He does, however, need to be at peace with the fact that his kids may like Mom more....its happens a lot, you can't take it personally (especially when their kids are both under 5).

I want share this woman's proposed solution, because I find it humorous..."But I don’t see why he can’t just ape my parenting techniques. If his goal is to get the hugs and kisses from happy children, I’ve got a winning playbook!" ...Just remember, we try to improve ourselves first, before we go blaming our wife.

What do you think about this guy as a husband and father? What do you think he can do to be better?