Note: This is the first guest post I've published here on the Better Husbands and Fathers blog and its an important one, so pay attention! It comes from Julie Sibert. Julie is a writer and speaker on sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com (or @Intimacy4Life on Twitter). She lives in Omaha, Neb., with her Beloved, their two sons and their rambunctious German Shorthair Pointer puppy.
My husband and I have a saying we use with our children – “As long as you keep presenting teachable moments, we’re going to teach.” Usually, the 12-year-old musters up an eye roll in response to this. To which we exclaim, “See! There’s a teachable moment. No more eye rolls. It’s disrespectful. And annoying.” (He offers another eye roll).
Teachable moments. Sadly, many people mosey into adulthood having lost all ability to be teachable. Yet, life keeps presenting those teachable moments. And for us married folk, the cup runneth over. Teachable moments everywhere I tell you. Despite our romanticized notions, we all arrive at the same reality – we never really stop learning how to be married. I mean, it’s not pre-calculus or throwing a 98-mph fast ball or feeding a family of five on $8.23 a day. It’s harder than all of that.
I could ramble about marriage in general. But what I really want to talk about is sex. (Now that I have your attention. You thought I was just going to tell you quaint stories about my ungrateful kids and how I never even made it to pre-calculus).
Why the topic of sex? Well, it’s kind of my passion (writing and speaking about it, that is. Enjoying it too, but that’s not up for detailed personal discussion here).
Why am I so passionate writing and speaking about it? Because it’s a huge issue in a lot of marriages. And so few people want to get real about what’s going on behind closed doors. Or what’s NOT going on, as the case may be.
I’m not going to get all preachy, because honestly, that’s exasperating (not to mention, fairly ineffective with a topic like this). I’m just a Christian wife who has a heart to encourage married couples in this sensitive area of sexual intimacy. My audience is usually other Christian wives, so I have to give a big shout out to Eric for letting me share some insights with his readers. I’m guessing most of you are men, but possibly some women will read too. Whoever is reading, share your comments. Get in on the discussion. It helps us all learn.
If your wife is not too interested in sex, I do not have a magic solution to suddenly change that situation. (Sorry. I wish I had a magic solution. Sadly, there seems to be a market for such a solution). I do have several insights, though, so I will share a few of those here…
Are there unresolved issues in your marriage? Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that she should be withholding sex because she’s mad at you. What I am saying is that the inner workings of most women’s hearts rarely compartmentalize anything. If there is deep work to do on your marriage, move in that direction. Conditions for physical intimacy will be more probable.
Is she experiencing orgasm? You’re probably going to have to ask her, because if she is really adept at faking it, you are not going to know for sure. Trust me on this. Most women who have faked orgasm are very, very good at it (Think Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”). Faking orgasm is NOT a good idea, but she may be doing it to protect your ego or to quickly end sex. If you wonder if she is experiencing pleasure, generate a discussion with her (outside of a sexual setting) and calmly ask if she is having orgasms. Don’t get defensive if she gets honest. If she isn’t experiencing orgasm, this could explain some of her lack of interest. To put it into perspective, imagine if you rarely or never had an orgasm. Sounds boring, huh? Be teachable – together.
Have you told her what sex means to you? This can be a toughie because to help her understand, you are going to have to be vulnerable. Share your heartfelt truth – not just about your need for sexual release, but genuine dialogue about your need to be desired by her, to be close to her, to feel yourself within her, to bring her pleasure, and so forth. If you have been rejected and hurt by her, you should share this with her – not in a tirade, but with enough genuine emotion for her to hear your heart. Not just your words. Your heart. Unfortunately, a lot of women have yet to comprehend what sex means to their husbands. Teachable moment.
Okay, this one might be the toughest insight:
There are no guarantees. I hear from many husbands on my blog who are trying steadfastly to nurture sexual intimacy, only to receive continued rejection from their sexually unavailable wives. This saddens me. I’m not discounting the wives’ perspectives, because I know marriage and sex are complex. But withholding sex is devastating on many levels. I know. I used to be a sexually unavailable wife – in my first marriage. You can read more about that here.
Teachable moments. Where are they in your marriage? Sexually, I mean.
